Anxiety, Humility, and A Whole Lotta Prayer

I'm not here to make a point today. I'm not here to respond to anyone or counter any opinions or even to attack beauty distortion. Other days, absolutely. Just not today.

Today I'm here to write. Because things have been completely overwhelming in my life. I could list everything that's been swimming around my mind; everything that's been happening to me and everything that hit me out of nowhere. But I asked myself a very important question just now: Is that really necessary? 

No. Honestly, it isn't. Writing all of that out for you to read will only do two things: one, annoy you to no end {it's not like you don't have enough stuff to worry about on your own, right?}, and two, stress me out even more than I already am. I just had a long meltdown in the shower and handed it all over to God. There's no sense in trying to explain it all or harp on it anymore.

But it sure is nice to not go at it all alone.

Among everything else I've been praying for recently, I started a new prayer. Send me support, Lord, I found myself in need, Send me friends to comfort me. Send me family to encourage me. Send me someone to hold me accountable, and send me your presence to get me through it all. 

I also really started buckling down on my daily quiet time. I know, I know, that sounds so goody-goody Christian girl. I don't mean it that way at all. If I'm being completely honest, I hadn't opened my bible since the semester started. Nor had I attended church, journaled thoroughly, or confided in anyone about how my faith or life was going. No one had asked, so I simply never answered.

Starting this past Friday, I decided to change some things around. My schedule changes each semester, and I'd already made the huge mistake of not allowing time for myself and faith in the midst of my daily routine. I began praying again. Reading again. Journaling again. And I felt comforted. Rejuvenated. Rededicated.

Until the first five seconds I left the quiet peace of my bedroom.

Retraining your mindset is no easy task. Staying comforted, rejuvenated, and rededicated to your faith and positivity is practically impossible with life slinging hurdles at you every second of the day.

Was I successful? Goodness, no. Even as I lay here writing this post, I'm in bed under a blanket with a hot cup of tea because my body feels like it's been hit by a truck. {I usually write my posts the night before they're published, for those who didn't know...} My list of things to do is still three times longer than my list of what I've already done, and I still can't shake two specific instances where I'd been treated harshly today. That's life. It doesn't leave much room for successful comfort and rejuvenation stories. But it can leave room for gracious comfort and rejuvenation stories, especially when you're not trying to accomplish them on your own.

I had asked for support. I had asked for friends, for family, for accountability partners, and for the known and felt presence of God. But I hadn't asked because it would be pretty cool to have; I asked for it because I knew I was desperate. I knew I needed it.

The first saving grace came from my family when I returned home for Labor Day weekend. I brought a laundry list of questions inspired by my latest anxiety attack and my parents sat right next to me as we checked every single one of them off the list. Were any of my deepest questions answered? Not really, but at least I'm heading in the right direction.

The next surprise came from a blogger over at Unfading Beauty Ministries. We had been liking each other's instagram photos and reading each other's blogs for a long time. Kristen was one of those people I'd never spoken to, but just knew I'd get along with if I knew her in real life. That's when her friend request came on facebook, and the awkward I-don't-know-if-it's-acceptable-to-talk-to-her-outside-of-blogland barrier was shattered. Suddenly, I had a friend in another country who was going through similar struggles messaging me, encouraging me, and including me in her own writing. What an unexpected and much needed surprise!

Two days later, it was time for small group bible study. It would've been easier not to go. Believe me, I had ten thousand other things to do. But I found myself wanting to go, and for the first time ever, I didn't feel anxious enough to stay home under the excuse that I needed to make the to-do list in my planner a little smaller. If I could sacrifice my time for anything, I should sacrifice my time for this.

It wasn't wrong to make that decision. In a room full of girls, we talked, we laughed, we prayed, and we shared stories. I hesitate to use the word fellowship because I know how churchy it sounds, but there's something to be said for it. It is definitely not credited enough. Suddenly, everything I had been stressing about seemed so much less important. At least for the moment. In complete honesty, it hasn't been diminished in importance at all, but it's been diminished in priority. We set goals for ourselves for the week, and picked accountability partners for the week.

I felt so much better. And after a phone call with one of my best friends on the drive home, my anxiety had practically vanished. I couldn't remember the last time I had truly been anxious about nothing.

It wasn't until my shower though, that I realized I had been given everything I had asked for. Support? Check. Friends? Check. Family? Accountability? Comforting presence? Check, check, check.

You don't have to tackle life all on your own. You shouldn't. You weren't meant to. Sometimes you have to humble yourself and ask for help. And that's okay. It doesn't make you weak, or needy, or incapable, or whatever else you think you are. If you need help, get help. Sometimes it comes in the presence of friends. Of family. Of mentors, accountability, or even God himself. It's amazing who and what God can use to save you from anxiety and pain if you'll simply give Him the opportunity to do so.

I'm the absolute worst at handing Him those reins. But it never fails... Once I do, the carriage rides much smoother. So if you take anything from this otherwise extremely personal blog post, let it be this:

Everything that's on that list of yours? You don't have to do it all in one day. In a week. In a month. In a year. You don't have to get your life together in the same way, or at the same time as someone else. You don't even have to worry yourself about it to the point of exhaustion {but you're probably doing that anyway}. The best part is, whenever, wherever, or however you decide to start tackling your list, you don't have to do it alone. You never have, and you never will.

A little support and a lot of a faith can go an awfully long way.

To Needy Girls: You Have An Unknown Advantage

When was the last time someone looked you in the eye and asked, "Are you okay?"

When was the last time someone asked about your day and actually wanted to know?

When was the last time you answered honestly to these questions whether the person was asking out of empathy or obligation?

For me? It's been a long time. Recently, I have been so overwhelmed with how few people I know who are like me. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, until I felt like very few cared.

I am the epitome of a "needy" girl. Not in the sense that I'll text you eight thousand times a day or stalk your whereabouts or anything... But I'll be the first to admit it: I am deeply sensitive. I require way too much attention. I can be wounded to tears by the simplest statement and I can take one sentence and analyze it until I've made it the complete opposite of the way you intended it.

Likewise, I never share what's on my mind because I'm always called needy. I've been called overdramatic. And maybe I am. But those statements hurt, too, because to me, it's all so real. It's all so valid. It's all so important. 

Being "needy" implies such a negative connotation in our society. So I looked up the definition of a "needy person" the other day. Turns out, a "needy person" is "someone who has needs and feels comfortable sharing, expressing, and communicating those needs."

News flash: everyone has needs, but "needy" people are better and stronger about communicating those needs. The biggest problem I've seen in my own experience is that those who were once confident in expressing those needs have been told to sit down, shut up, and keep hidden because the non-"needy" people don't want to deal with those needs. Are "needy" people really needy? Or are non-"needy" people selfish?

Perhaps a little bit of both.

You see, I'm one of those people who's either all in or all out. I don't just "like" things. Nothing is ever "okay." I'm either totally in love and deeply passionate about something or I'm completely indifferent. I can't blow things off. If something has impacted me {positive or negative!} I'll think about it for hours. Days. Weeks. It will consume me.

What a terrible life... you say. Always thinking. Always dreading. Always worrying. 

Yep. My brain is like an internet browser with 7,372,864 tabs open all at once. But I ask that you look at it differently for just one moment...

What if you were the topic consuming my mind? What if you were that important to me? What if I asked how your day was, and even though it had been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, you said, "Oh, it was okay," because you don't want to feel like a burden...but what if I actually wanted to know? I'm the girl who really wants to know what happened. I want to know who hurt you. I want to listen to you talk about it, or hold you while you cry, or let you vent until all the steam is out of your ears.

I totally suck at being low-maintenance. But when the tides have turned and you need to talk, you won't feel the need to be low-maintenance. You won't feel needy, emotional, or over-dramatic when you're confiding in a needy, emotional, over-dramatic person.

But no one sees it that way. And if you're like me, I'll bet you get tired of being called needy. Emotional. Over-dramatic. 

You are nothing of the sort. You may seem that way to those around you. For example... A few of my friends? Definitely not nurturers. After a bad day, they prefer to lock themselves in their rooms and unwind. They do not want to talk about it. To them, I'm sure I'm too needy.

But to me? Sometimes they're too insensitive.

Today's post is an ode to the needy girls of the world. The girls who are just like me. The ones who have been ignored and insulted for the way they approach others, when they were just trying to love the best way they knew how.

Needy girls? You have a definite advantage, and it is overlooked every day. You are such a rarity. A true diamond in the rough, if you will. While others are stuck ignoring problems, concealing pain, and struggling silently, you are there when life catches up to them. You are there when the problems get too big. You are there when the pain crushes them. You are ready, waiting in the shadows, when their deepest, darkest struggles become to heavy to carry on their own.

If you've ever called one of your friends "needy..." I urge you to think about where you were when they needed you, and where they were when you needed them. I urge you to look at life from their perspective every once in awhile. I urge you to get to know those you love so you will be able to love them better. The way they need you to love them, rather than the way you think you should love them. Sometimes what you think they need isn't what they need at all.

I've found so often that we express love in the ways we need to receive it. Instead, we should attempt expressing love in the ways they need to receive it.

Many times, in our genuine efforts to make life easier, better, and brighter for those we love, we fall into the trap of looking for ways to "fix it." We find ourselves asking, What can I do so she won't hurt as bad? or What will make this pain subside the fastest? The intentions are golden, but the results will falter.

Sometimes it's not about the fastest way to heal. It's about the most thorough way to heal. It might take awhile. You might have to pray for more than a couple of weeks. You might have to check in on them more than twice. The process might require a little more selflessness on your part.

Sometimes people don't need to be fixed. Sometimes people need to be loved.

If you need love today, know that you aren't too needy. You aren't too emotional. You aren't too overdramatic. You just aren't afraid to admit when you need a little help. Sometimes, when you admit you need something from someone, it annoys them. Sometimes, it frightens them. But the way they respond to you is not your problem. They might not know how to handle it. They might not be ready to handle it. And it will be easier for them to make it your problem. It will be easier for them to call you "needy" or "high-maintenance" or "over-dramatic" than it will be for them to love you.

So try not to take it too personal. Because when you take a step back, it's not always about you being weak and needy. It just might be about them being too afraid to tackle the depths of your heart.

We would like to give a special photography shout-out to Wendy at Wendy Dunn Photography for capturing and allowing me to edit & redistribute this photo on the blog and social media! 

The Beautiful Woman Photo Challenge

Today, I was challenged by a dear friend to the Beautiful Woman Photo Challenge. The goal is for each participant to share five photos they feel most beautiful in.

Yep. That's it.

Isn't there more to it, you ask? Well, not really... Why five photos? I don't know. Who started this project? I don't know that either. What's the goal of this project, anyway? Well, I'd assume it's got a little something to do with self love and self esteem.

But here's what it means to me:

It has to be five photos because most women won't be able to find three. Not that they feel truly beautiful in. And the goal of the project is to help you rediscover the personal, unique beauty that is within you. The same beauty that has always been within you. The beauty you weren't focusing on (and were probably even critiquing) when you snapped the photo.

I'm going to be real honest with you. I accepted the challenge with the hope to prove a point. I'm prettiest when I'm happy! I wanted to say, or I'm prettiest when I'm teaching! or laughing! or reading! But the five photos I found could not be more different, and I had an extremely difficult time searching for a universal statement like the ones I listed above.

So without further adieu, I present to you the five photos in which I felt most beautiful.

Photo #1

I love this photo because it is so me. I'm in a sweatshirt (my staple clothing item for November, which was when the photo was taken), and it's a Disney sweatshirt nonetheless. What you can't see is me wearing my favorite dark jeans and my killer polka dot sneakers, but I can assure you I was wearing them.

As you can see in this photo, I wear very little makeup because I think there's so much elegance found in being natural. With that being said, I think girls should take enough pride in their appearance to wear it whenever they want to (not when someone else tells them they should).

This was also my first selfie ever posted on social media, which I posted just after analyzing your survey answers in Love Yourself(ie)! 

Photo #2

This photo was taken around 9 p.m. in my car after a three hour guard rehearsal my senior year of high school. I snapped it quickly because I still managed to look decent after a night full of running, dancing, sweating, and performing my heart out.

I chose this photo for this challenge because it features me in my natural habitat: in my car (probably running to go eat somewhere), in an all black wardrobe (a signature colorguard outfit), a straightened ponytail (despite humidity's best efforts to curl it), and a smile on my face after concluding a full night of doing what I love most. Though it's an old photo, it seemed wrong not to include it because I've carried it in the camera roll of my phone for four years.

Also important to note... I took this photo four years ago and never posted it until now because I feared being viewed as conceited for posting a selfie. Now's a good time to go read that post linked in Photo #1 if you missed it before.


Photo #3 

 As much as I wanted to say that I would only include photos of me naturally, sometimes a girl's gotta feel prettier than she does on an average day. This photo was snapped at the banquet concluding a long, hot week of hard work in the sun, allowing us all a chance to put on a nice dress, fix our hair, and actually put some makeup on our face without the guarantees of sweating it off.

I also received a trophy and a medal for my marching skill this night (I won a drill down, for my readers who understand band. For those who don't, just don't worry about it). The point is, I felt confident in my talent. I felt valued as a team member. And I felt beautiful because I had the chance to represent myself with the style that is uniquely my own: classy, elegant, and signature stamped with a t-strap high heel.

Because of this style, I've been nicknamed the "First Lady" of the Pride Color Guard. And as you can see in this photo, I was workin' it.



Photo #4
Ignore how old this picture is. I was a freshman in high school. Eight years ago. Probably evident by my pig-tailed hair and Christmas painted nails.

But I included this photo because it is important. In this photo, I am pictured doing one of my favorite things.

Eating.

Is it the healthiest meal in the world? Nope. It's Chickfila. Did I gain a little tummy pudge after this meal? You bet. But did it make me any less beautiful?

No.

No, no, no. If anything, my choice to fuel my body the way I deemed acceptable rather than the way society told me to fuel it (or starve it) is a testament to my confidence and self love. And to me, those are two things that define beauty the most.



Photo #5

This one is my favorite. I'm in a pretty dress, I've got some pretty hair, and I was having way more than a pretty good time. When this photo was taken, I was watching my prom date climb into the arms of every other guy in our prom group for a photo, only to have them accidentally drop him smack on the ground. I was laughing so hard, which is one of my absolute favorite things. I love to laugh. And I love this picture. What a candid photo capturing my happiness bottled in this evening.

The other thing I find important to note about this photo is that there were at least thirty other people present in this vicinity (50+ if you count all the family members who came to take pictures), not to mention the ridiculous scenario occurring that had me laughing, and yet, the photographer focused on me in this moment. This is more than a picture where I feel beautiful. This is a picture where someone else noticed I was beautiful.

I suppose it could've been the dress. Perhaps the hair, or the accessories I put in it. But this picture doesn't focus on the dress or the hair or any other accessory. It focuses on me. On my essence and happiness in the moment.

That's what beauty really is. And we can dress it up and accessorize it all we want, but no dress, headband, or matching shoe could possibly parallel the captivating beauty of a woman's soul; the one revealed in a smile. In a laugh. In this photo.


As I mentioned before, the photos I found were the furthest thing from what I expected to post, but my goal was a to prove a point, and that I still intend to do.

Some of these photos picture me posed, but most of them are candids. Sometimes, I'm wearing makeup, and sometimes I am not. Sometimes I am sweating. Sometimes I am eating. Sometimes I am laughing.

But I am always me.

That's when it hit me. I'm not prettiest when I'm happy. When I'm teaching. When I'm reading. When I'm laughing.

I am pretty because I'm me.

I am pretty every day. I am pretty every way. I am pretty in a car. I am pretty near and far. I am pretty in a box, I am pretty with a fox! {Sorry, I'm getting a little Suessical...}

But I am pretty here and there.

I am pretty everywhere. 

And so are you. So don't you forget it, beautiful.